You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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