Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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