I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The Olympian is in my bed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
