I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I died a long time ago.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
