I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
