I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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