Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
