just survived the first fart of the relationship.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
