Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
