I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
