She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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