i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
