You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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