saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
