Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
