Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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