Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
