even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
