I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I have fence marks all over my body
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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