if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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