that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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