im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
