my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
