Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
