and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
