drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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