i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
