Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
