good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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