I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
