You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
