you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
