fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
What drink are we having for lunch?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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