so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
