My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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