I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
