Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
