My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
