why didn't you poke me back
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
