matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
