If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
