Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Randomize
