umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
