this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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