Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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