My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
