tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
