why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
