I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
