Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
