just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
