A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
